Responses To Your Entries
Today is an exciting day for one of our readers - today he will take the full dose of RIT, and I want to let him know that my heart is with him. He joins a growing group of people who have an excellent chance of beating the beast with a very effective treatment. I expect that the first CT scan, approximately 6 weeks from now, will indicate how well the treatment is working - so please write us and let us know.
Another reader has asked when it is possible to stop worrying about recurrence or the need for maintenance therapy. There is no easy, one-size-fits-all answer to that question. I can only tell you my personal philosophy.
Cancer, like any other chronic illness, forces us to face our own vulnerability, and both during and after treatment, we can't help but wonder if it work and for how long. In many instances, the doctors can't give us 100% assurance because each of us is different, and that leaves us with insecurity and doubt - and how do we learn to live with that? The last chapter in my book (www.lymphomabook.com), entitled "Letting Go and Going On," discusses that issue at length and I'll share a quote which was written just two months after my last treatment:
"I asked myself if my future - or anyone's - comes with a guarantee. No, it doesn't. If I wondered about...undergoing future treatments, would worrying change the outcome? No. Would worrying today about things I can't control tomorrow make me miserable? Yes. And if I were miserable, wouldn't everyone around me be miserable, too? Yes. Did I want that? No. Could I set goals and work each day to reach them? Yes. Could I focus on each day and do one, maybe two or even three things to make someone else happy? Yes."
And shortly later, I wrote: "I quickly concluded that fear of future uncertainty could rob me of present joys. When fears crept in, I consciously fought to push them aside. I got busy at work. Called a friend. Took a walk. Listened to whatever music made me happy at the time. Baked a cake and gave it away. Called Alex and told him I loved him....I did whatever it took to banish the uncertainties at any given moment, and sometimes the effort was far more difficult than it had been during treatment. But the price of giving up was far too high."
And so I wish that I could easily answer our reader's question, but there is no one answer. Cancer takes us on a road where we find many helping hands, but there are some stretches where we simply must find our own way, and learning to cope with the uncertainty that cancer leaves in its wake is one of them.
Even today, more than four years after my last treatment, I believe that I am cured, but I still occasionally wonder what if? I think it's normal to have doubts, and today when they creep in, I consciously work to push them away. The fact is that I know there is no guarantee in life, but cancer made me realize that the outcome of my illness is far less important than the outcome of my life. What I choose to do each day is what really matters.
Betsy