What Friends Say
A couple of friends, who are currently undergoing treatment for cancers other than NHL, have raised a concern that is common to us all, and I want to share it with our readers. Both of them, as well as many others with whom I have talked, have wondered why some people continue to tell us how brave we are, how our great attitudes will pull us through, how great we look when we don't, or how we shouldn't worry because "new treatments are coming out all the time."
I've found that people who have never been through an illness like cancer have good intentions but often say things that hurt more than help. When people told me how brave I was, I always wanted to reply, "No, I've never done a brave thing in my life. If I had volunteered to have this disease for my husband or daughter, that would have been brave, but I didn't - and frankly, I'd rather be sucking my thumb."
As for attitude, I did have a good attitude most of the time, and I believe that it helped to cope with the emotional aspects of the illness, but still, when people told me that my great attitude was sure to pull me through, I always wanted to say, "So are you going to blame me if I don't make it?"
And I hated the insincerity of people who told me I looked great when I knew I didn't.
As for not worrying because new treatments are coming out all the time, that is a statement made by someone who has never, ever been around anyone with a life-threatening illness of any kind.
My friends asked me if it was normal to feel upset by questions or statements such as these, and I think it is, based on conversations with many people who have indicated that they felt the same sort of responses that I did. I do think that people have very good intentions and try their best to encourage us but few really know what to say - and so they sometimes say the "wrong" thing in their efforts to be encouraging. There is no guidebook for friends to know what and what not to say, so sometimes we simply have to be honest with our friends and tell them how we feel.
The friends I appreciated the most were the ones who never tried to convince me how great I looked when I was bald and puffy, who never told me how brave I was, who never told me what a great attitude I had - but told me in a million different ways, "This is a lousy thing you're going through, and I'm here to help carry the load."
Betsy