A Co-Patient Struggles
When my husband Alex saw my bald head for the first time, he didn't blink an eye. Instead, he wrapped me in his arms and told me I looked beautiful. With tears in my eyes, I told him I love it when he lies, but my bald head was not beautiful. He argued back, "Oh, but it is. It means you are on the road to recovery. Don't worry about your hair - it will grow back. Without these drugs, your life won't."
That story was the farthest thing from my mind at a party a couple of weeks ago, but I was quickly reminded when a friend introduced us to a couple who was in the throes of cancer. The wife was about half way through chemotherapy, but I would never have known it had she not told me. She was probably in her mid to late 40's and strikingly beautiful. The wig was one of the best I have ever seen. We chatted for awhile and then continued to mingle.
Later in the evening, the woman's husband asked if he could speak with me privately and so we found a quiet corner. He proceeded to confide that he was devasted by his wife's illness. In fact, he said, he could barely stand to look at her without her wig. It takes a lot to make me speechless, but here was a stranger telling a cancer patient that he couldn't stand a bald head. I wanted to deck the guy!
Instead, I hoped that what he was trying to say was that he felt as helpless as my husband Alex did, and that his helplessness caused him to avoid reminders of the illness. I found Alex and asked him to join our conversation, and the two men talked for quite awhile about their common fears and anxieties. I was really proud of Alex. He helped this man identify his fears and put them into a perspective that would help both him and his wife.
The man's wife finally found the three of us and smilingly asked what we had been talking about. The man put his arm around her and told her how much he loved her, with or without her hair, and she grinned from ear to ear. She tracked me down several days later and said, "I don't know what your husband said to my husband, but whatever it was has certainly helped bring us closer together through this ordeal."
While my initial reaction to the man was disbelief that he was actually telling me he was having difficulty with baldness, his words were really a plea to talk with someone who had been through this, and I ultimately admired the fact that he was willing to open up. During cancer, the focus often stays on the patient, but it's important to recognize that co-patients share the emotional impact, and they, too, need a hand to help them carry their burdens. So to any co-patients who may be reading this, I encourage you to share you feelings.
Betsy